SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR …

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a

Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and

Got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook

But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds

Flew over. I looked up, and one of them s##t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.

"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird s##t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

Friday Funnies

Subject:  Modern technology





I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

I have one to share

For three years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Friday Funnies

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other ...
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting,the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

New Top of the Line Exotic Restaurant

http://www.wusdiamondgarden.com/

Middle Aged Morphing

A Little Bit of Fun

They call her "The Crusher"

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.html

Friday Funnies

The Hotel Bill

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant70th birthday by
staying overnight in an expensive hotel.When she checked out next
morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for$250.00. She exploded
and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the
rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just anovernight stay! I didn't
even have breakfast. "The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard
rate', so sheinsisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager
appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:"This hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for
use."
"But I didn't
use them," she said.''Well, they are here, and you could have,"
explained the Manager.He went on to explain that she could also have
seen one of thein-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the
bestentertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager
said."But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said."Well, we
have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.No matter what
amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the
Manager countered with his standard response.After several minutes
discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave
it to him.The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But
madam, this check is for only $50.00.""That's correct. I charged you
$200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied."But I didn't!" exclaims the
very surprised Manager."Well, too bad, I was here, and you could
have."Don't mess with Senior
Citizens

Superbowl Sunday

GO GIANTS !!!!!!!!!

I Want My ATM

Reason I want my ATM. The streets aren't safe for me to rob someone. And it's cold out there.










Reason I want my ATM. Throwing a sheet over her head doesn't work anymore and the call girls don't take Visa.

Money for Nothing, Chicks for Free!

Reasons I want my ATM:

I can tell my mom I'm getting cash to do the laundry and getting cash for drugs instead!

Where is ASS?

Don't let the door hit you on the way out

Humble Folk Are More Helpful Than Arrogant Bastards

I think the recent events and the near future ones will bear this out.

http://www.livescience.com/17701-humble-people-helpful.html