SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR …

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a

Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and

Got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook

But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds

Flew over. I looked up, and one of them s##t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.

"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird s##t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

Friday Funnies

Subject:  Modern technology





I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPod.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

I have one to share

For three years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Friday Funnies

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other ...
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting,the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

New Top of the Line Exotic Restaurant

http://www.wusdiamondgarden.com/

Middle Aged Morphing

A Little Bit of Fun

They call her "The Crusher"

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.html

Friday Funnies

The Hotel Bill

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant70th birthday by
staying overnight in an expensive hotel.When she checked out next
morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for$250.00. She exploded
and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the
rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just anovernight stay! I didn't
even have breakfast. "The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard
rate', so sheinsisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager
appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:"This hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for
use."
"But I didn't
use them," she said.''Well, they are here, and you could have,"
explained the Manager.He went on to explain that she could also have
seen one of thein-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the
bestentertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager
said."But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said."Well, we
have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.No matter what
amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the
Manager countered with his standard response.After several minutes
discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave
it to him.The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But
madam, this check is for only $50.00.""That's correct. I charged you
$200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied."But I didn't!" exclaims the
very surprised Manager."Well, too bad, I was here, and you could
have."Don't mess with Senior
Citizens

Superbowl Sunday

GO GIANTS !!!!!!!!!

I Want My ATM

Reason I want my ATM. The streets aren't safe for me to rob someone. And it's cold out there.










Reason I want my ATM. Throwing a sheet over her head doesn't work anymore and the call girls don't take Visa.

Money for Nothing, Chicks for Free!

Reasons I want my ATM:

I can tell my mom I'm getting cash to do the laundry and getting cash for drugs instead!

Where is ASS?

Don't let the door hit you on the way out

Humble Folk Are More Helpful Than Arrogant Bastards

I think the recent events and the near future ones will bear this out.

http://www.livescience.com/17701-humble-people-helpful.html

Greek Tragedy

Sour Grapes

"I want to be the President boo hoo, I want to be the Treasurer boo hoo hoo, gulp, glug glug, sniff sniff, boo hoo hoo..."

Happy Holidays

Give a kiss-

Thank You

I would like to take this morning to thank everyone once again for making my birthday such an extraordinary event. I am deeply moved by the lengths all of you went to in order to give me such a wonderful surprise. My wealth is my friends and family, which I am blessed to have the best with both.

Now I'm going back to bed.

Reaching New Heights

The new K-8 school has a solid foundation as it is now heading skyward. It is on schedule to be completed and open Sept 2013.

The Great Big Turnip

Once upon a time, in Russia, an old man planted some turnip seeds. Each year he grew good turnips, but this year he was especially proud of one very big turnip. He left it in the ground longer than the others and watched with amazement and delight as it grew bigger and bigger. It grew so big that no one could remember ever having seen such a huge turnip before.

At last it stopped growing, and the old man decided that the time had come to pull it up. He took hold of the leaves of the great big turnip and pulled and pulled, but the turnip did not move.

So the old man called his wife to come and help him. The old woman pulled the old man, and the old man pulled the turnip. Together they pulled and pulled, but the turnip did not move.

So the old woman called her granddaughter to come and help. The granddaughter

pulled the old woman, the old woman pulled the old man, and the old man pulled the turnip. Still the turnip did not move.

The granddaughter called to the dog to come and help. The dog pulled the granddaughter, the granddaughter pulled the old woman, the old woman pulled the old man, and the old man pulled the turnip. But the great big turnip stayed firmly in the ground.

The dog called to the cat to come and help pull up the turnip. The cat pulled the dog, the dog pulled the granddaughter, the granddaughter pulled the old woman, the old woman pulled the old man, and the old man pulled the turnip. They all pulled and pulled as hard as they could, but still the turnip did not move.

Then the cat called to a mouse to come and help pull up the great big turnip. The mouse pulled the cat, the cat pulled the dog, the dog pulled the granddaughter, the granddaughter pulled the old woman, the old woman pulled the old man, and he pulled the big turnip. Together they pulled and pulled and pulled as hard as they could.

Suddenly, the great big turnip came out of the ground, and everyone fell over.

A Brand New Day

Party Time

HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY, Archie!

From All of Us to YOU!!!!!

Presenting.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qYePsFx7r4&noredirect=1

I Have The Honor of the First Official Announcement

...........................................

.............................................Archibald Stanley Slatineg

We Are Mere Minutes Away

Please stay tuned for a major event announcement which will most likely occur anytime between 12:01 AM and 11:59 AM EST.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBwWpBxu32g

The Signal is On

Wherever there is a renter suffering, checks delaying, walls leaking, wherever there is a property value dropping, wherever there is an application too big to submit, wherever there are families chased by dogs, wherever common sense is outlawed… turn on the signal.

It's About Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1G-TsdNWGg&feature=related

And Then There Was

Check Out My Package

Hey Peeping "Tom":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CtjhWhw2I8

Just smile and wave....

ASSume the Position

Looking for a Renter

I have a friend who is likely going away for a while and needs to rent out his place to help cover costs.

If interested, make sure they bring a pen or 2 with plenty of ink.

Friday Funnies

Humor about marriage Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.' Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or No.' Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why dear?' Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.' Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you.' Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?' Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune!' Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'

Time Stops for No One

*****CONDITION GREEN*****

*****ATTENTION*****

All systems are go, go, go

Alpha Six Zero

Repeat

Alpha Six Zero

Please check in during the critical phase that you have received your assignments and are prepared for the final phase to be coordinated on my mark.

The return of the JackASS

No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're---you're a separatee.

watch the clip

The Wait is Maddening

Get prepared for an event so stupendous, an achievement so remarkable, we are lucky if something of this nature occurs during each of our lifetimes!

Abraham Lincoln

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.